09.03.2008

well, time for my monthly update on my personal state, i suppose.

i've been in contact with my great aunt and uncle in holland getting family stories, photos, etc. i'm really enjoying it. this is my mom's dad's brother and his wife, if you were at all curious. before, all i knew about this side of the family was limited to the scattered stories about indonesia before and during the war. mostly, all i've had has been a story of my mom, her sister, and their parents as they wandered through canada. now, however, i know a lot more about my great grandparents. i have names, years, timelines, places, photos, and i'm sure more to come.

in a couple weeks i'll be able to visit family in calgary and put together a bit more of the family story.

other than that, i've been processing (i suppose being the best word) more of the fall-out on my whole post-trauma thing. it's been about six years since i had my first real incident, a few lesser aftershocks scattered between then and now. i've had to come to the conclusion that there was a misunderstanding over just what it was that triggered my response and what the initial event was. i know everybody prefered to grab onto a dated and only partially relevant break-up of a fairly significant relationship, the anniversary of which the breakdown was near. while i'm sure that my reflections on the matter were, at the time, partly to blame, i think the recent change in posting had much more to do with it. but, to understand the reason why a new posting was an issue to me, you'd have to look back to a contact i had in grade three. why that's relevant has taken me six years to understand.

so, i have a much clearer understanding of my emotional states and i suppose that's a good thing. but best of all is knowing that this post-trauma gig is going to play for a very long time to come.

anyway, a little info that might help anybody reading this to "get" my up coming projects.

but, the cats are cuddled up and cute and i suppose it's time to head out and find my way to bed.

03.02.2008

how is it this is the first post this year? i must have one stored as a forgotten draft or something....

so happy groundhog day yesterday. i keep forgetting about it. otherwise, i'd have watched the movie.

in other news, i'm busy working away at my show. i find myself caught in the usual strange cycle. when i'm working on a project i either:

feel great thanks in large part to the experimentation, or
feel nasty because i somehow think i'm wasting time and money.

it's nasty, brutish, and certainly not short, as they say. but, that's the way it is with me. but i'm not here to talk shop.

lately i've been haunted by memory, haunted by emotion, haunted by a need to prove myself.... to put it shortly, i'm trying to resolve my past and justify my present situation. a lot was taken away from me and the rest was thrown away in frustration. i've been blessed with a large degree of restoration, and yet....

i guess i'm trying to find the balance. i can't get closure on the lost friendships, i can't make back the money foolishly spent, i can't change into somebody better suited to the pressures of reality. i'm here, i'm broken, and i'm lost. yet: i'm supported, i'm loved, and i'm cared for. the balance is shifting, but slowly. i guess the wounds are deeper than i first thought.

29.12.2007

it's been a few days since my last new email. i suppose everybody is busy doing family things or something. so, i can then suppose that i can let it slide. you know, out of love.

so, christmas festivities continue, as do the turkey dinners. since i've been pulled within the gravitational field of my family-in-law, i have had more turkey dinners than in the 27 years prior. note that this is not me complaining; there's something magical that happens when you combine mennonites and home cooking.

i'm enjoying my time here. i do miss the smallness of my past every one in a while; there's a certain comfort to a small family and a relative insignificance in the world at large. however, despite the overwhelming size of the family i now share dinner with, i feel comfortable and at home.

in a few days, we head over to visit my own growing family. i get to meet my neice for the first time.

but, it's late and i should go to bed, though i suspect the day-long tantrum my bowels have thrown will likely lead to a restless and potentially insomniac night.

12.12.2007

well, i moved my phone tonight. and friggnabbit: we have to get a new number. i spent enough money getting flashy business cards and we've been paying for the line and having it forwarded just to keep it active so we wouldn't have get a new number. but....

however, we had no idea we'd be moving to sidney when we moved out of the last place, otherwise we might have checked into this a little more. c'est la vie.

10.12.2007

i've been moving over posts from my older blog. when completed, i'll give you details on the old versions and put a little note in the sidebar near the archives. so far, for my own record, i've moved over the entries (working oldest to newest) from 11.04.2006 to 13a.05.2006 and have updated comments until 26a.04.2006.

i'll continue later, in the meantime feel free to browse history....